I’m having a bit of a difficult time right now, and that’s hard for me to admit.
This may be a short post. I don’t really want to write it. But Kat over at Love Makes a Family and I had a conversation recently about how important honesty is, so I need to be honest about this. It would be easier to tell you all that things are fine, I’m doing well, thanks so much. But that would be a lie. And lies hurt people. I’m not lying to myself anymore and it would not be fair to lie to you.
I’ve been reading some of the post partum depression posts and tweets from James & Jax which have really helped me get to a place where I can ask for help.
In case it’s not completely obvious from my obsessively detailed protocol, I’m just a teensy bit of a control freak. I’m sure you haven’t figured that out by now. Being a control freak means that I “handle” things way past the point of it being wise to do so. It makes it really hard for me to ask for help.
It’s not a pride thing. It’s more like, I don’t feel like I should be a bother. I don’t want to make a big deal. It’s why I suffered for so long during the hyperemesis gravidarum of my first pregnancy. It’s why it took me years of writing and rewriting to be willing to show the protocol to my doctor and it’s why the long, gentle, and affirming conversation that I had with my doctor during my preconception visit probably saved this baby’s life.
So last week, I got up the courage to ask my midwife for the names of a few counselors.
But I didn’t call them. You know, I just wanted to have them around in case I needed them.
Then, this past Tuesday, I ended up basically walking out of the office in tears for absolutely no reason.
Okay. So that’s not good. I called my midwife again and asked her to diagnose me with something because I just didn’t feel like I could handle work, home, pregnancy, everything anymore, and she very gently gave me the push I needed to pick up the phone and give those counselors a call.
So, I’ve made the calls. I’m trying to figure out what’s going to happen with my insurance. She’s out of network, but there don’t seem to be any in our area that are good for PTSD and pregnancy related mental health issues. My doctor has also been kind enough to look into it for me as well.
I’ll be 35 weeks tomorrow. I can’t wait to be Not Pregnant.