The Emotional Toll of Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I think most of us in the hyperemesis gravidarum community are thankful for the attention that HG has been receiving lately.  We’re finally seeing some recognition for the terrible physical hardships we endured bringing out babies into the world.  One thing that we haven’t seen much of, though, is coverage of the emotional toll HG takes.

HG is a traumatic experience that leaves many of us changed forever.  I posted recently on my Facebook page about this and got some heartbreaking responses:

It left me feeling depressed, and hopeless. I felt cheated out of a “normal” pregnancy experience. After my second pregnancy it has also left me terrified to have another child. – KH

Torn between wanting to carry my babies to term and wanting to terminate. Fear of ever getting pregnant again. Fear of vomiting in general. Lingering food and smell aversions. Scared of sex, what it protection fails? – JF

Depression. Hopelessness. Anger. Scared I wouldn’t make it the whole way through. I felt thoroughly misunderstood. Nobody understood what I was going through. I felt so alone. – RR

Major emotional depression from being in such a dysfunctional and debilitated state with little to no empathetic support. That totally did my head in and I struggled to find my strength for life after that. – BS

For myself, the HG caused depression, which was made worse by some of the medication.  When I started contemplating suicide in my first pregnancy, an alert home healthcare nurse stepped in and had my doctor stop the prescription of Reglan.  Turns out a side effect of that medication is suicidal ideation, and I had been taking it at its maximum dose via a subcutaneous drip.  No wonder I was experiencing those horrible side effects!

I thought the depression was mostly related to the Reglan, but I was not surprised to experience it again during my second pregnancy.  The sense of isolation and despair can become almost unbearable.  Yes, many of us are on bedrest, but perusing articles on bedrest survival and an HG survivor will quickly shake her had and dismiss the advice.  Much of the bedrest advice revolves around boredom: read parenting books, start a scrapbook, order baby gear online, chat with other moms on bedrest.  Those things are impossible for many HG sufferers.  For most of us, we spend our days and nights curled up, eyes shut, trying desperately to will ourselves not to throw up.  It is an inescapable hell that is difficult to comprehend or explain.  Is it any wonder that so many HG sufferers become depressed?

The deep sense of isolation is far and away the most painful part of HG. Knowing that many people can’t relate and fearing harsh words, many HG sufferers retreat from friends and family members. Even many doctors minimize the suffering caused by HG. A few days after being admitted to the hospital for the umpteenth time during my 2nd pregnancy because my ketones were off the charts and I had begun hallucinating, the on-call doctor told me that there was nothing wrong with me.  Is it any wonder we hide?

The trauma we experience during HG can lead to life-long anxiety.  HG survivors experience post traumatic stress disorder, emetophobia (fear of nausea and vomiting), postpartum depression, and a whole host of long-lasting emotional problems.  Some of us, myself included, develop anxiety around hospitals, needles, and medical procedures.  Many of us feel angry and cheated for not having the glowing pregnancy that other women get to experience.  This anger and anxiety comes up each time we hear news organizations referring to hyperemesis as “Extreme Morning Sickness.”

Please call hyperemesis gravidarum what it is.   If it’s hard to say, you can just call it HG.  The next time you speak to an HG sufferer or survivor, validate her struggle.  Express sympathy for what she went through and may still be experiencing.  Most of all, please understand that hyperemesis is a real and terrible disease that can have a lasting impact on survivors both physically and emotionally.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum: Is it all in our heads?

How many times have you heard this:

“You’d feel a lot better if you would adjust your attitude.”  “You should be more positive.”  “That Molly. She’s so excitable isn’t she.”  “Maybe you should see a tharapist?”  “You’re not sick.  You’re pregnant.”  “You’re weak.”  “You’re hysterical.”  “You’re doing this to yourself.”

From doctors. From nurses. From the lady taking your vitals in the hospital. From a friend. From a relative. From your spouse?

It’s all in our heads.  We’re doing this to ourselves.  It’s our fault we’re so sick.

Over and over and over.

Some HGers aren’t lucky enough to have a support system.  They suffer and suffer believing to their core that what they are experiencing isn’t real.  They blame themselves when they miscarry.  They feel the agony of guilt when they have to terminate the pregnancy that they were so excited for just to save their own lives.  If they’re like the woman a few years back at one of my local hospitals, they die.  It’s their own fault.  If they hadn’t been so weak, so fragile, so excitable.

A new study has come out: Is hyperemesis gravidarum associated with mood, anxiety and personality disorders: a case-control study.

Apparently, according to the abstract, HG is a relatively common medical problem among pregnant women.  Well, gosh.  I certainly learned something today.  I wasn’t aware that it’s common for pregnant women to require PICC lines, constant IV hydration, high doses of multiple medications, and bed rest.  I wasn’t aware either that it’s relatively common for pregnant women to become so dehydrated that they begin to halucinate, to vomit until their esophagi tear and they start to vomit blood, to become so malnourished that they lose their babies, for their kidneys to fail, to die.

I didn’t realize any of that was relatively common.

After looking quite a large sample size of 142 patients and observing whether or not there were mental health issues prior to the pregnancy, these psychiatrists conclude:

The results of the present study suggest that mood and anxiety disorders, and personality disturbances are frequently observed among women with HG and that there is a potential relationship between these psychiatric disorders and HG during pregnancy.

Pardon my skepticism, but this has been done before.  It was a crock then and it’s a crock now.

Look, I get that they’re saying that HG isn’t caused by mental illness. Of course not. This is all couched in the language of statistics.  But how many of us have had doctors who told us to just suck it up before sending us on our way with admonitions to take some ginger and eat some crackers?  How many of you have nearly died because of it?  I know at least one of you personally who has had this happen.  I know it nearly happened to me when I was pregnant with Cricket.  I remember that Friday night when they suddenly went from, “Molly, you’re in really bad shape. We need to get you on TPN,” to “There’s nothing wrong with you. You need to go home.” (Of course I seemed fine at that point! I’d been on IV fluids, a potassium drip, and IV zofran and nexium for 3 days!)

Oh sure.  Plenty of us who have HG are depressed and anxious.  Who wouldn’t be after what we’ve been through?  HG causes mental illness and depression.  The researchers got it the wrong way round.

Post Hyperemesis Gravidarum Pregnancy Wrap-Up

I am about a month out of my hyperemesis gravidarum pregnancy now, which is hard to get my head around. I’ve got lots of questions swimming around in my mind.

Did that really just happen? Was it as bad as I remember?

I think the mind shrouds experiences like that in a kind of fog.  I know it happened.  I can go back here on my blog and read about it.  But it just seems so far away and unreal.  Maybe it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself.

Could I have done anything differently?  Did I do anything wrong?

I did so much research going into this.  I have to feel confident that I did the best I could and got really aggressive treatment.  Even with all of that, it was bad.

Really bad.

I still remember that Friday night with the nurses holding me down and trying to get a needle in me and the auditory hallucinations making me think my daughter was there crying for me.  I remember the ER doctor telling me that they were going to put a PICC in and start me on TPN and then 24 hours later another doctor telling me there was nothing wrong.  The night nurse taking my blood pressure so hard that all my needle sticks from earlier in the night started bleeding again.  I remember fighting for a PICC and having the hospital doctors blow me off.  Those three days haunt me.  What if I’d fought harder?  What if my regular doctor had been in town?  What if I’d left the county hospital and headed up the road to the private hospital?  Would my care have been better?  Would they have given me what I needed right then instead of putting it off until it was almost too late?

Did I really survive that?

I remember my mom walking in the door after flying all day and turning right around and taking me back in to the ER because my IV line clotted off.  I remember sitting in triage so scared of the IV stick that I was shaking.  I remember looking as hard as I could at a buckle on my mom’s shoe so that I wouldn’t have to see the needle that Trauma Nurse Andy was getting ready to put in.  I remember my mom hiking up and down the stairs to my bedroom bringing frozen cranberry juice and rehydrating me drop by drop.

And then it stopped.

And I felt guilty.

And then it came back a little.  And I felt guilty.  Because for so many women the 3rd trimester relapse is really bad, and mine was controllable with a doze of Zofran in the morning and a Nexium at night.  It wasn’t that bad, but I still hated every second of it.

And then, suddenly, it was over.  And I had a baby in my arms.

Am I normal again?

I think so.  I still eat smaller meals.  I think my stomach shrank.  I can take prenatal vitamins, which is kind of exciting.  I don’t have to take 12 different pills on schedule throughout the day anymore.  I can enjoy my food.  Even foods that I liked when I was pregnant taste better now that the hyperemesis gravidarum is gone.

And more than anything, I’m happy.

Was it worth it?

Absolutely.  Both of my daughters are miracles.  They are amazing people.  I can’t even express how worth going through HG they are.

Would I do it again?

Absolutely not.  After Cricket was born, while I was waiting for contractions to begin again so I could deliver the placenta, I was already asking my midwives to recommend someone to tie my tubes.

As much as I might want a 3rd child, there is no way I can survive HG a third time.  The disease has made the decision for me.  That’s kind of sucky.

Here are some raw numbers for you:

  • Starting weight: 139 lbs
  • Lowest weight: 127 lbs
  • Final weight: 185 lbs
  • Total weight lost: 12 lbs
  • Overall weight gain: 46 lbs
  • Max Zofran dose: 39 mg/day (that’s above the usual max dose of 32 mg that the manufacturer recommends)
  • Worst day: Friday, February 18th
  • Day I got my PICC: Tuesday, February 22nd
  • Day my PICC failed: Thursday February 24th
  • Day I turned the corner: Tuesday, March 15th
I think the bottom line is, I survived.  If anyone can get any use out of my HG experiences, it will make blogging about it worthwhile.  In the meantime, though, and for now, I need to not talk about the HG.  I need to leave it in the past.  There are other things I want to write about, and right now the HG just isn’t one of them.  I’ll leave up my protocol and the HG-related links, but for now, I just really need to take a break from that and write about other things.

Old Wives’ Tales to Induce Labor

I love hearing the old wives’ tales about pregnancy and birth.

Sure, some are a little silly.  For example, you shouldn’t lift your arms over your head or you’ll strangle the baby with the umbilical cord.  Or another favorite is, if you take a bath your baby will drown in your belly!  Those are quaint, amusing, and completely untrue.

But for every very silly old wives’ tale, you can find one with a grain of truth.  Old wives’ have been making and having babies for thousands of years.  It stands to reason that they’d have some pretty decent ideas.

For fun, I thought I’d come up a list of old wives’ tales for inducing labor.  No, I’m not trying to induce labor.  I’m doing my best to remain lovingly patient and let my baby choose her own birthday just like the Hypnobabies program coaches me to do.  But it sure is fun to look at this stuff, isn’t it?  As an added incentive to avoid trying these, we tried just about every natural method we could to get the Grasshopper to come out, and she stubbornly stayed in there until she was darn well ready to come out.  Two weeks after her due date!  So again, this is just for fun.

So here are some natural, old wives’ tales for ways to induce labor:

  • Walking – This is actually really good for you and can help the baby move into position and begin to descend.  Just don’t wear yourself out walking.  Take it from me, if the baby’s not ready, no amount of walking will make her come out, and if you overdo it your body will punish you for it later.
  • Walking up and down stairs – same as walking!
  • Driving over a bumpy road – I had zero luck with this with the Grasshopper despite my mom driving me up and down a cobblestone road.  This gets a big nope from me.
  • Eating eggplant parmigiana – Something about the oregano?  Eggplant does not agree with my stomach.  I skipped this one.
  • Eating this special salad from a place in LA – I am so trying this!  Apparently, the salad is actually really yummy, so I plan to try to sweet-talk my sister-in-law into driving us down for lunch next week.  A friend of mine tried it with no luck, but still.  Just for fun, eh?
  • Sex – Okay, now this one is something that my OB with the Grasshopper recommended and something that my midwives are recommending as well.  Apparently semen contains proglastins which help trigger the cervix to begin soften.  Additionally, the female orgasm can trigger uterine contractions.  More info here.
  • Bouncing on a birth ball – Kind of like walking.  The birth ball can also help open the pelvis to allow the baby to settle comfortably in position.  Birth balls rock.  Maybe not so much for inducing labor, but for getting comfy and getting the baby positioned correctly.
  • Castor Oil – This is a huge one that a lot of people try.  Here’s why I think it’s a terrible idea: think horrifying diarrhea and nausea and puking and stomach cramps and just generally feeling awful.  Is this really how you want to start your birthing time?  No thanks!  I’ve had enough of that with the hyperemesis gravidarum!  Plus, you’ve got the very real risks of dehydration from the diarrhea and vomiting and fetal distress!  Just say no!  That’s my opinion on this one!
  • Nipple Stimulation – Nipple stimulation causes a release of oxytocin which, in turn, causes uterine contractions.  I tried this a bit with the Grasshopper, and yes, it did cause some contractions, but they weren’t terribly productive.  My OB at the time actually recommended against this tactic cautioning that in his experience it will cause contractions but those contractions not very productive.
  • Herbal supplements – This is something to approach with caution.  Herbs can carry some very real risks.  Just because something is natural does not mean it is safe. I am currently taking an herbal supplement that contains several of these “inducing” herbs (black cohosh, red raspberry leaf, etc), but I am doing so under the guidance of experienced midwives and taking them in very specific and careful amounts designed to tone the uterus, not bring on labor.  I’m not just glugging cohosh tea or pills.  So if you are interested in some of the herbal remedies, do your research and only take them under experienced medical guidance.  It’s really not worth the risk otherwise.
  • Evening Primrose Oil – Evening primrose oil (EPO), is not going to induce labor.  It will, however, soften and ripen the cervix.  Again, like any kind of supplement, talk to your healthcare professional about this.  EPO is pretty benign, but only you and your doctor know your medical history.
So what old wives’ tales have you heard of for inducing labor?  Did you try them?  Was it successful for you?

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Studies Happening Now

I wanted to spend today’s post letting you know about  a couple of hyperemesis gravidarum studies that are going on right now.  I would ask that you please consider participating in these studies.  Even if you haven’t had HG, you can still participate.  The research group actually really needs control subjects who did not have HG to help understand the information gathered from the participants with HG.

Here are the studies:

Current 2007-2015 Study: Genetics of Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG)

This study is designed to identify individuals affected with HG, to study epidemiologic factors via an online survey, to collect DNA samples from saliva through the mail at no cost or travel for you, and to search for genes and risk factors that may be potentially associated with this condition. To be eligible, you must have suffered from HG and had treatment for your HG that includes i.v. hydration, TPN or other form of non-oral feeding (ie nasogastric feeding), OR both, and are able to recruit a friend with at least 2 pregnancies who has NOT suffered from HG to serve as a control.

You can learn more about the study and register here.  The study itself is very easy and painless.  After you take a detailed online survey, they will mail you a cheek swab kit so that they can register and analyze your DNA.  That’s it.  No doctor’s visits.  Just a little cheek swab that you take yourself.

2011 HG Survey: survey to determine the effectiveness of medications/treatments for HG

We have also begun a new study to determine medication effectiveness.  If you are trying to conceive or newly pregnant and have had HG in a past pregnancy, please consider participating in this study by filling out this short survey as close to your first positive pregnancy test as possible and thereafter to let us know how medications effect your intake and nausea.

You can learn more about the survey and register here.

 

These kinds of studies are so critical.  The more we know about the root causes of HG, the better treatment we can find.  Even though this won’t affect my childbearing years or decisions, I hope that the results of these studies will help my daughters.  There’s a strong chance, due to the genetic nature of HG, that one or both of my girls will suffer from this disease.  If I can protect them even a little bit from this.  I want to.  Please consider helping.

Here is a selection of the articles they’ve been able to publish as a result of their studies:

A Healing Article from a Hyperemesis Gravidarum Sister

Just this past week I learned that Jessica from The Leaky B@@b also suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum.

I had no idea!

And, in a fortuitous twist, she published a fantastic article that struck to the core of some of the emotions I’ve been feeling about my HG pregnancies: Tone, filters, and information.

It seems like every time I turn around, there is some article that gets published about how if you have a great diet during pregnancy or exercise during pregnancy, your baby will be healthier and have a number of advantages.  Since good eating and exercise aren’t really options for those of us with HG, these articles usually cause me to roll my eyes, feel guilty, and sometimes even angry that I can’t have just a normal pregnancy like everyone else.

Oddly enough, I feel very strongly that we shouldn’t take on guilt simply because of our circumstances.  We should be able to share information to mothers be it about childbirth interventions and risk management or breastfeeding.  We should be able to discuss these issues openly and honestly without the knee-jerk defensive reaction.

And yet…

And yet, when I see the information out there about pregnancy diet and exercise, I experience that same feeling of defensiveness that makes me crazy when talking about non-HG-related issues.

Jessica writes:

Do those articles set out to make me feel guilty that I barely eat during my pregnancies?  No, they are just sharing information and sometimes aim to encourage and inspire moms.  Do the moms celebrating their beautiful pregnancy experience do so to punch me in the gut and knock me down?  I’m pretty sure they are just excited about their own experience.  Does the fact that I have very little physical activity during the prenatal stage of my mothering make me a bad mom?  I don’t think so but it doesn’t mean I don’t wonder from time to time or that it doesn’t hurt a little when I’m faced with the reality that it really isn’t a good thing and could be putting my children at risk.  Blaming the information though doesn’t help me or make my reality better.  Hiding it, or worse denying it, doesn’t help anyone else either.

We should still share information, we should still read information and we hopefully do this in a safe community where processing the information can happen through trusting and supportive dialogue.  I hope that by keeping in mind the fact that we do not know everything there is to a person’s back story and why they make the choices they do we can remember to be more sensitive in how we share information.  I hope that by keeping in mind the fact that we all bring our own baggage to any topic we can remember to try not to take information sharing as personal jabs.  It is through these steps that we can support one another and make a difference for others.

Reading this article really gave me a sense of healing.  It helped me build a bridge from one aspect of my life, writing, and personal views to another.

Thank you Jessica.  You gave me a lot to think about.

My Current Hyperemesis Gravidarum Medicine/Vitamin Regimen

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all on what I’m currently taking med-wise for the hyperemesis gravidarum.  The good news is that right now the vitamins are outnumbering the drugs.  Hooray!  This means I can keep down vitamins!

Remember: I am taking all of these under the very specific guidance and direction of my midwives.  With any vitamin or medicine you need to consult your medical care team before starting.  Some of these interact with each other and must be taken on a specific timetable.  Always ask before taking a medicine, vitamin, or herb.  Especially if you are pregnant or nursing!

So, without further ado, here is what I’m on:

Drugs:

  • Nexium 20 mg – 1 tablet at night
  • Zofran 8 mg ODT – 1 tablet before rising in the morning

Vitamins/Herbs:

It’s a lot of pills and tablets to swallow, and I’ve really had a hard time remembering to take everything.  I noticed, though, that when I miss doses my body lets me know.  When I forget the cal/mag/pot I get horrible leg cramps at night.  When I miss the multivitamin and the iron I feel dizzy and out of breath.  Or at least more dizzy and more out of breath than usual.

To help me remember to take these, even when I’m out and about, I’ve started putting the day’s worth of vitamins into a little plastic glad-ware cup.  I toss the cup into my purse, and wherever I happen to be at vitamin time, I can break out my little plastic cup-o-vitamins and start swallowing pills.

Taking my meds and vitamins every day at the correct time has really helped improve the way I feel both physically and emotionally.

 

I’m Definitely Nesting

This weekend is all about getting ready for the baby.

We’re picking up the components to convert the crib into a cosleeper.  This involves bed lifts, high density foam, and bungee cords.  Expect a full post later.

We’re washing and sorting through all of the newborn and 0-3 month sized clothes that we have leftover from when the Grasshopper was a baby.  We’re determining if we need to purchase any additional small items.  I think that aside from a few packs of onesies, we’ve got plenty.

I am trying to convince my husband to please go ahead and install the carseats already in case we run into a situation where they don’t both fit.  If that happens, I’m not sure what we’ll do.  He doesn’t seem to understand that getting this done is, for me, a biological imperative at this point.

I’m gathering the odds and ends that we’ll be packing into the bin to take to the birth center: the birth kit, clothing for the baby and me, and various other items like depends, dermaplast, aromatherapy kit, etc.

The nursing pillow covers are clean and I’ve put them on their pillows.  The drawers in my bedroom that I will be dedicating to the baby have been emptied and are ready to receive clothes, diapers, and blankets.  My nightstand has been emptied and is ready to become a temporary changing table.

And I’m feeling very satisfied sitting here listening to the washer wash its load of baby sheets, swaddling blankets, and breast pads, and the dryer dry its load of prefold diaper inserts for me to use as heavy-flow pads for my postpartum bleeding.

Happy Labor Day weekend everyone!

A Week of Doctor’s Appointments

This week has been full of appointments!

Well, I suppose two appointments doesn’t really count as “full” but it just seemed pretty busy.

On Tuesday, Mr. Grasshopper went with me to the appointment with the midwives.  Since we’re getting down to the wire, I wanted him to go again.  The appointment went well.  We reviewed the birth preferences we had written up and there were no issues.  Everything was just fine, and most of the things I had listed were things that they either do or don’t do anyway.

The only exception was the internal checks.  They usually do internal checks, but she said there’s no reason why they need to do them.  If I prefer to skip them, that’s just fine.  She even said that she wouldn’t need to check me if I suddenly feel the urge to push.  She said if I did a little trial push and felt the baby moving down, we were ready to go!  If I do a little push and it hurts, then we know I need to give my body more time to dilate a bit more.  So there’s no need to 3 nurses and 2 doctors to be reaching up in there.  That’s so refreshing and comforting to know.

Tuesday was also the day of my Group B Strep test.  We won’t know for a while what the results are.  Once we know, we’ll be able to finalize a few of the items in the birth preferences list and I’ll post the final draft so you can see it.

Aside from those things, it was a usual appointment.  I got measured and I’m measuring right where I should be.  We got to hear the baby’s heartbeat.  And feel her position.  She’s still head down, although, she did roll around while the midwife was feeling her so that her back was up against my back.  She seems to have rolled back into place later, though, and there’s still plenty of time for her to move around.  She’s doing great in other words!  Headbutting my bladder as much as possible!

Thursday, I had my first appointment with the therapist.  I won’t go into all the details here, but it went really well.  We talked a lot about feelings of powerlessness and where in my life I am powerful.  It was amazing how good it felt to have someone validate what I’d been through in the hospital that one really bad Friday night.  She’s a medical professional who works with people with eating disorders in addition to being a counselor, so she was able to point out why what I had been through and validate just how serious my situation was.  Hearing her tell me that, yes, I was actually pretty close to dying that Friday night really helped me come to terms with things and let go of the guilt I’ve been carrying for being angry over the lack of treatment I received at the hands of the hospital.

Anyway, it was a good experience.  I really felt like I was able to connect with her, and I appreciated that she didn’t try to logic me to death like the previous counselor I saw (way back in January).  I’ll keep going back to her for a while.  It’s really seemed to do me some good.

So, it’s been a busy week.  Tomorrow I’ll be 36 weeks.  I think I posted previously that 36 weeks is considered full term, but that’s not correct.  37 weeks is full term.

I’ve got 4 working days next week and 5 working days the week after.  Then I go out on maternity leave.  I can’t wait to be done with work!  One less thing that I will have to worry about.

Antenatal Depression? PTSD? Thanks Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I’m having a bit of a difficult time right now, and that’s hard for me to admit.

This may be a short post.  I don’t really want to write it.  But Kat over at Love Makes a Family and I had a conversation recently about how important honesty is, so I need to be honest about this.  It would be easier to tell you all that things are fine, I’m doing well, thanks so much.  But that would be a lie.  And lies hurt people.  I’m not lying to myself anymore and it would not be fair to lie to you.

I’ve been reading some of the post partum depression posts and tweets from James & Jax which have really helped me get to a place where I can ask for help.

In case it’s not completely obvious from my obsessively detailed protocol, I’m just a teensy bit of a control freak.  I’m sure you haven’t figured that out by now.  Being a control freak means that I “handle” things way past the point of it being wise to do so.  It makes it really hard for me to ask for help.

It’s not a pride thing.  It’s more like, I don’t feel like I should be a bother.  I don’t want to make a big deal.  It’s why I suffered for so long during the hyperemesis gravidarum of my first pregnancy.  It’s why it took me years of writing and rewriting to be willing to show the protocol to my doctor and it’s why the long, gentle, and affirming conversation that I had with my doctor during my preconception visit probably saved this baby’s life.

So last week, I got up the courage to ask my midwife for the names of a few counselors.

But I didn’t call them.  You know, I just wanted to have them around in case I needed them.

Then, this past Tuesday, I ended up basically walking out of the office in tears for absolutely no reason.

Okay.  So that’s not good.  I called my midwife again and asked her to diagnose me with something because I just didn’t feel like I could handle work, home, pregnancy, everything anymore, and she very gently gave me the push I needed to pick up the phone and give those counselors a call.

So, I’ve made the calls.  I’m trying to figure out what’s going to happen with my insurance.  She’s out of network, but there don’t seem to be any in our area that are good for PTSD and pregnancy related mental health issues.  My doctor has also been kind enough to look into it for me as well.

I’ll be 35 weeks tomorrow.  I can’t wait to be Not Pregnant.